“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back.”
Plato
I wander into one of my regular cafés and catch the eye of the barista. He’s the young surfer-dude stereotype; soft drawling voice, small scruffy goatee and dark hair cropped at chin length. I followed him here about 6 months ago from another café where he used to work. He’s just that good at making my drug of choice. We chat, as usual. He’s quiet, a little dampened. His fun and flirty banter doesn’t have its normal sparkle.
“What up?” I ask, “You look pretty flat.”
He sighs, ducking his head and looking up at me from eyes that I’d never before thought to meet, “Really? I mean, you really want to know? Cos I could seriously blurt today.”
I laugh, thinking if only he knew about the thoughts that whirl madly around my head on a daily basis, “Give me your best shot.”
He sighs heavily, silent while grinding the beans and sliding the coffee basket into place before starting the machine, then glances around the cafe to make sure we’re alone, “It’s a girl. An ex.”
“Ah. The worst.”
“Yeah, well, we broke up, y’know, two months ago. I mean, I broke it off man, y’know? I was so into her and she just brushed me off all the time. So, I ended it. Thought it was okay, and she’d started seeing someone else, so y’know, time to move on.”
He breathes in deeply and stares at the last drips of coffee spilling into my cup.
“But, y’know, we got together again, a few weeks ago. And, ahhh man, I just love her man. I just fucking love her.”
His pain’s almost tangible as it comes up for air, his usual professionally shallow cheer swallowed down low. It’s tempting to dismiss his feelings as a naivety of youth, but he’s so raw and aching that I just ask whether he’d said anything to her.
“Yeah man, I told her. I told her. She didn’t say anything. She’s still seeing this other guy, y’know? I dunno what to do. All my friends say I was so unhappy with her, but I love her, I just dunno.”
He huffs a small laugh, attempting to insert social acceptability into a pain that rarely shows in public, “Whatever man. Doesn’t matter. Fuck love, right? It’s all Hollywood bullshit anyway.”
I try to tell him that it does matter but he barely hears me, pride and vulnerability fighting for the same spot in his heart. There’s more silence as he steams the milk and swirls it gently. He suddenly leans back against the wall, continuing to stare at the milk like it’s holding more answers than dairy ever really could, before looking up at me, his uncertainty shining through. And in that moment, he’s not a surfer-dude barista, he’s a vulnerable and slightly fractured twenty-something man looking for the safety of certainty and not sure when he’d drifted so far from it, “What should I do man? Should I just give up? I just don’t know what to do.”
I look inside for wisdom and find myself severely lacking. We’re silent again as he pours milk over the coffee and pushes the cup my way. And, as I start to stumble over words that feel wholly inadequate, someone walks into the cafe and he quickly buttons back up his soul, flipping out the hospitality frontman routine. He’s good at it too, before long he and the other customer are laughing and chatting; you can barely see the pain leaking out, like an old ballpoint pen in his shirt pocket.
I take my coffee and he vaguely waves at me as I wander out the door. And all through the day, the conversation keeps popping into my mind and I think about how much love aches, and how incredible it is, and how bloody confusing it can be and I decide that this bake’s going to be about the love that’s unspoken in Hollywood movies. The sweet, satisfying and bitter flavours of dark chocolate, layered with the light bite of orange and finally, szechuan pepper — both smoking for the good times and numbing for the bad. And all of them in innocuous little molten cakes, so innocent looking until your first bite of incredible, explosive, unforgettable flavour.
Enjoy.
- 185g (6.5oz) dark chocolate
- 185g (6.5oz) unsalted butter, plus extra for greasing
- 3 eggs
- 3 egg yolks
- 6 tbl sp caster sugar
- 3 tsp plain (all purpose) flour
- Zest from 1 large orange
- 1 tsp szechuan pepper
Preheat the oven to 230˚C / 450˚F and grease 6 moulds or ramekins
In a small saucepan, dry toast the szechuan pepper for 2-3 minutes until the aroma is wafting up and they are just threatening to smoke. Remove from the stove and grind into a fine powder using a pestle and mortar
Break the chocolate into small pieces and melt with the butter, either in the microwave or over the stove.
In a mixing bowl, whisk the eggs, yolks and sugar until thick and fluffy
Whisk in the chocolate and orange zest
Working quickly but carefully, fold in the plain flour and szechuan pepper
Divide the mix evenly between each mould and bake for about 8-10 minutes, until the outside is set and the centre is still soft
Turn each pudding onto a plate and carefully remove the moulds
Serve immediately with double (heavy) cream, ice cream or crème fraîche
Eat fearlessly…
Heartache, coffee and chocolate. A fitting combination. How well I remember my first big break ups.
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Coffee and chocolate are essential breakup tools I think! And yes, the first ones were always the worst, before knowing they were survivable in any form.
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Quelle chance! It seems that chocolate orange is the order of the day – I’m currently making a chocolate hazelnut torte with a choc orange glaze. I’m fascinated by the addition of szechuan pepper – I’ve tried strawberries and black pepper together, but never thought to try a similar combination with orange. Sounds delicious!
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YUM! That sounds delicious, I love hazelnuts in any form at all. The szechuan has a lovely citrus tang already so is a good match for orange. I’ve been trying to use it in dessert for ages so am feeling pretty smug about this one!
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Rightfully so, I imagine! 😀
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Beautifully written.
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Thanks so much Ellen.
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So what does he do?
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I spent all week trying to come up with even one paragraph on that. What do you think he should do?
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I think he should hit the surf, hang out and find some carefree female distraction…
I think that’s what I’d be wanting to do if I was him (and unfortunately I’m not!).
I also thought it was a true story!?
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It is a true story. I just had nothing for him!
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Oh good, I’ll look out for an update.
I still think he needs to hit the surf. If that’s his thing then that’s what grounds him, when he lives in the moment.
I do like your blog. These little snippets are what everyday life is about. And as I’m coming to expect, wonderfully descriptive writing.
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Love, love, love.
Love the Plato quote.
Love this: “I try to tell him that it does matter but he barely hears me, pride and vulnerability fighting for the same spot in his heart.”, and this: “And in that moment, he’s not a surfer-dude barista, he’s a vulnerable and slightly fractured twenty-something man looking for the safety of certainty and not sure when he’d drifted so far from it…”
Love the bittersweet slice of compassion.
Love your rustic table and the photos.
I’ll be making those cakes as soon as I can get to my favorite spice store for some Szechuan peppercorns.
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Thanks so much, what an absolutely gorgeous comment to receive! The cakes are well worth making, looking forward to hearing how you go with them.
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I finally made the cakes! You can read how it went here: http://thereluctantbaptist.com/2014/10/05/let-us-eat-cake/
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Fearlessly.
You madam, are fearless. Thank you for writing this.
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Ahhh, you rock Dana… xx
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Love the storytelling style of your blog, which I came across today (new to the blogging thing). Also the recipe looks to die for. I will try it, and if I don’t burn down my kitchen and I get to eat it, I’m sure I will enjoy it immensely. Look forward to reading more. 🙂
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Thanks so much Nola! And welcome to blogging, it’s a seriously addictive little habit. Just clicked on your blog, it looks lovely – and I’m a big fan of anyone who reads Hyperbole and a Half!
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Coffee and chocolate – perfect for so much! In my case they get me through an exhausting day with two little ones and no husband (as he works away). This recipe is so very different – love the look of it and love that you give the ingredients using the metric system!!
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Thanks Kellie, I have a sleepless toddler so can relate strongly to the coffee and chocolate diet! Yes, my poor readers have to put up with me banging the ‘weight not cups’ drum a bit on this blog – luckily they mostly forgive me and come back for more!
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When we are in our darkest moments, there are a few special people who are our “go to” friends. Your writing and empathy makes it clear why this young man would open up to you. I loved this post.
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That’s a very kind thing to say, thank you for my morning smile!
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This recipe looks like the perfect comfort food. I am literally drooling over the screen. Perfect for those bad days. Maybe you should bring the young man in the coffee shop a portion of this. I could do with some myself at the moment as my mother in law has terminal cancer so we are really going through a tough time at the moment. Your story struck a bell with me as it wasn’t that long ago that I was talking to a barista who was facing eviction from his flat because he was behind with his rent. For some reason his landlord thought he was a barrister not a barista and therefore believed he earned a lot more money than he really did. Emma.
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I’m so sorry about your mother-in-law Emma, you guys have had a tough year. It’s lovely to see you both finding ways to enjoy life with your anniversary gifts to each other and such lovely writing on your blog. If I lived closer I’d be on your doorstep with some of these, failing that, I hope you find someone to make them for you! xx
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Great writing. Now you’ve got me thinking about this poor guy. The recipe looks really good too.
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He’s a sweetie, he definitely wont be single for long! Thank you for the lovely comment.
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So love your style! Beautifully written, inspirational photos and quotes. You should open a bakery; I want to eat in your kitchen, everything looks so good!
Your Art Teachers would truly be impressed!
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Thank you for such a lovely comment. Not sure about a bakery, 3am starts don’t appeal to me in any way! Love people at my virtual kitchen table though; telling and hearing stories while being steeped in butter and flour seems like an idyllic way to live… I really enjoyed reading your blog as well, good luck with the baby making!
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I love the way you write, simply love it. Such evocative imagery in your prose makes me feel the stories you share, not simply read them. Thank you for sharing your talent!
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Thanks so much! I’m really touched at reading such lovely words. You’ve absolutely made my day. x
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Mmmmm, that looks real good!
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Thanks!
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Beautiful pictures. I heard this sentence once ” chocolate doesn’t ask stupid questions, chocolate understands” 😀 not sure if it’s relevant to this story, but there is something about it 😉
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Chocolate’s always relevant! And I agree whole heartedly with your quote, chocolate makes everything better.
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Your website is so beautiful! It’s so nice to have a recipe with photos that makes my hungry and a poetic text… Thank you for this recipe!
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Thanks so much!
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Pingback: Let Us Eat Cake! | The Reluctant Baptist
Wow, I came over here from The Reluctant Baptist blog. This is beautifully written!
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